Imagine

Hey friends! 

So this was something I wrote about 7 years ago when I did not yet know my biological mother and the truth behind my toddler and younger years. I will not change the wording because this is what I "knew" from a lying aunt growing up, the only family member I had contact with, and this is how I felt at the time and my feelings at that point in life were valid. 

As much as I want to protect my biological mother from harsh opinions especially since I now know that they are not accurate in the way that the first paragraph depicts her, I think that staying true to ourselves in the moments that things happen is important. We cannot change our thoughts just because society chooses to see everything negatively. So please enjoy the read but read the beginning with a grain of salt.

Also, besides the first part, the rest of this is about the family member who was SUPPOSED to be my mother, but was actually a very ugly-hearted person who wanted the world to look at her as if she had done a good thing but really did not want to care for us.

This was written for my foster mom, at age 14, at 3 am when I could not sleep, thinking about life. 

Imagine

Imagine a life knowing who your mother is, but never getting a chance to be her daughter. Your a baby. She casts you out into the dark world, into strangers arms, so she can continue her life of promiscuity and keep her sense of freedom. You know that you have brothers and a sister out there, but you don't know where she left them either. Sometimes throughout the years, you think back and tears form when you wonder if they're OK. You know about them, wonder, but never ask questions and never have the slightest idea if you will ever see them again. Imagine your larger family, devastated, thinking they've lost the little girls they loved forever.

My twin brothers, twin sister, older sister and me

Imagine never having a mothers love. You listen to other children speak about the hugs, the kisses, the kindness, then you suddenly realize that you've never experienced it. You only have yourself to confide in, to live with everyday, only the promise of that next school day to wash away your tears. School. It's like your safe place, your haven. The place you can be yourself without being punished for it. The place you can laugh, smile and share your joys and sorrows with people who care. But they don't know you well. You keep your real fears and unhappiness locked away, deep inside of you. It's like a buried chest you know is in the ocean, but every step, the pounding waves, a new threat, keeps pushing you back to shore. You wonder, will it ever end? Will I be able to escape this horror and find a place for myself in this world?

Imagine waking up to dull mornings, never once a hug or a kiss passed between you and the people who claimed to love you, who pretended to want you. You never had a loving glance, helpful words, nothing to help move you forward in your day, nothing to brighten that glimmer of hope that never faded from your heart.

You never sat down with your mother, she never ran her fingers through you hair or told you how proud she was of who you'd become. You never talked, you were alone when you first realized you were becoming a woman. There was on one to talk to, to share experiences with you, no one to even tuck you in your bed or say goodnight. Your feelings are kept inside, sometimes released by the form of song or poem. The paper and the pencil take to you without effort. When you start writing, the pencil seems to flow across each line, each page. You suddenly stop and recognize that you feel better. Then you smile, realizing the paper is your way of communicating and expressing yourself.

Just imagine. Imagine never having the courage to uncover the truth, even when its inches from someones grasp. To cover any words you let slip, you retreat further inside yourself. You know that none of this is your fault, but you can't help asking God.. why? Your thoughts return to the person who was supposed to love you, care for you and be there for all your experiences of life. You don't know this person, yet you wonder what great experiences life could give that she was so eagerly willing to give up her daughters to strangers. Something that must have meant a lot to her, for her to so easily drop the responsibility of flesh and blood. Maybe God was trying to teach you that no matter what disappointments you suffered or hardships you face, in the end, he'd always be there to guide you and pull you through.

Imagine many times running into dead ends, so many questions burning your tongue, but none of them being answered. Imagine the dream of having independence one day for now that being the only hope. You'll be free from the chains binding you to this life you were forced to live. But once again, you stop and realize you won't, you realize you have gone through all stages of being a child and still haven't experienced the meaning of true love. So then you'll be on your own, living as an adult, trying to find and decipher for yourself, what love really is. But it all seems too easy and your pulled to the hope of love too fast. You suddenly stop the fantasizing. The real cold hearted world has pulled you from the only real safe place you have, your mind.

And then...

Imagine waking up one morning and smelling a new scent in the air. You stop and pull together conclusions as to what could be different. Then you gather it. The aroma is of a new, freshly developed hope, a hope where you can finally see light at the end of the tunnel. A feeling, that this time, you won't be disappointed.

And your right. Now imagine waking up to a new place, a brighter one. You don't yet know it, but with time, you will. You will come to realize that it is what love really is. Another person asking your thoughts, feeling and really actually caring. It's a new world, but you realize this was Gods plan. To bless not only you, but the people who now love you as well. 

The Jackson's- My foster family

Imagine. A stranger. A kind caring stranger, who doesn't know you, yet has enough love to accommodate you and more. But for the moment, all you can think about is you. Someone finally loves you and has the backbone to step up and be the loving woman your mother never was. Then you realize she was never really your mother. She didn't care, so therefore didn't deserve you. And you most definitely did not deserve her. Then you look forward and glance at that stranger who had been standing in the shadows, waiting for the right moment to step out, embrace you, and say those three words you longed to hear... "I Love You." And you can finally repeat them back... "I Love You Mom"